don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
