i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
