I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
