I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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