clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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