so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
