god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
