Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we're making bets on your personal life
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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