Your face is a jimmy john
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
