she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
