never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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