I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
