My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
