i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
