i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
