New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I AM VODKA MAN
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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