Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
