You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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