ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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