I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
