I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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