Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
