I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
