Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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