Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
