we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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