Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
