The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
