We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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