Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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