Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
