I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
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I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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