im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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