I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
