So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
