You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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