I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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