that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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