I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
