I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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