I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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