genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
