The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We just shotgunned beers for America
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
