I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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