somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
