I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
