I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
