normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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