Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
