the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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