Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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