new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
