so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
