I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
