i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
