He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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