Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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